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A Letter to Caleb Harris

Aaron Collins

Dear Caleb,

I've been sitting alone at night lately thinking about you. A week ago, I went to your grave just to say hey. Couldn't find the exact spot, so I just talked to you from a distance. Seems like I've been pretty distant lately. Everything I do seems to not be good enough. I stopped cutting because I  made a promise to you and myself.I did it for you. I care a lot but nobody seems to understand. Why is it that strangers support me more than my own fam? I'm tired and I'm stressed. Anxiety ridden and depression has risen. Too much on my mind. I can't breathe. My dad wants to check me into therapy again. I fucking hate that place. I'm tired of admitting I have a problem. I'm tired of accepting the type of burden I am. I'm trying to make a living off of what I've been given. I met this girl the other day and dawg, she's somewhat like me. I don't know what I'm doing any more. I keep on trying to be something I'm not. From the drug dealer, to the asshole, the rascal and everything in between.

I am a nice guy at heart. It only shows sometimes. If you've heard what these girl whisper in my ear, you would give me a dab. You know the way I am though. You know how I work. I can't go around fucking theses girls unless I love em. I don't trust them. A bed and a Thot, still couldn't get my cock up. A pen and a pad. You were my only fucking lad. Seems like you were the only one that truly had a better understanding of me and life in general. I know I cut you off at the end. I do it to everyone, you should know. I cut everyone off . Regardless of who they are. I usually don't fight for them back. My pride is too high. I have a big ego. I hurt the most in the end though. They take pieces of my heart along with them. You didn't have to do what you did. I couldn't stand seeing your father cry. Your mom seemed dead. You gave me a reality check my g. You taught me how to live in the grey.

Why did you merge into the black and white?

YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WEVE BEEN THROUGH HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT? HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT GOING TO REACH OUT? YOU KNOW, NO MATTER WHAT IM ALWAYS FUCKING HERE AND I
MEANT THAT. REGARDLESS OF OUR DIFFERENCES I HAD YOU. I FUCKING HAD YOU AND YOU KNOW THAT. You got me fucked up.

I'm fucked up. I got wobbly off of a bottle of jack. Couldn't stand. Mom came In and tucked me in. Took off my glasses and shed a tear. Ever since my dad saw my thighs, this shit couldn't be more real. Ever since I sold my first o, I couldn't wait to get some more dough. I see things that people don't understand. I miss you and I forgive you. Please forgive me. I don't know when I'll see you..... You used to claim yourself to be heartless but we both know you could love for ages. I've been doing the same. Telling every girl she doesn't  deserve me and that I'm going insane. How I threaten to cut them off if they get too close. My heart is in smithereens, I'm getting close to ghost. You didnt have to leave that way. I cared for you. I'm a hypocrite though. Psychotic fuck. But hey, I was just like you in some ways. You cut your wrists and I cut my thighs. You said i was one of the few people that understood you and that was because i was poetic at heart. Raised with no talent for art, but words seemed to flow out my mouth regardless. You were on prozac and I was on affexor. You were in therapy and I just started my sessions. You lived in the grey and gave up on wearing your heart on your sleeve. You sent me a reality check my g. Or maybe, you just pushed me to do the same.

Rest in peace. I love you. Caleb Harris;

Written by Ibrahim Dandach